Short but not at all sweet

It's posts like this that leave me wondering just how some people manage to make it through the day without hurting themselves:


Older wemon 50 to 80

older wemon need sex to need help let me no

In the space of a 10 word, unpunctuated sentence, this guy has demolished my faith that the smart will rise victorious from the swamp of idiocracy.

I wonder if it's painful to be that stupid?

*In case you were wondering, the corrected version of his ad is: Older women need sex too. Need help? Let me know.*

Double Dagree

Nothing tickles me more than people who claim to be uber-educated when they clearly are not. Take our next contestant, for example:


IM SO TIRED OF BEING LIED TO AND NOT TREETED RIGHT .
EVERY TIME I THINK IV FOUND SOME ONE , ITS NOT .
IF A PERSON WANT'S SOME ONE TO TREET THEM WITH RESPECT
THEN THEY HAVE TO GIVE THE SAME THING BACK . THEY SAY
THEY WANT ME TO PUT THEM FIRST BUT THEY DON'T PUT ME
FIRST . THEY LET THERE FAMILY MEMBERS ROOL OVER EVERY
THING .

ME I PUT MY MATE FIRST AND NOT LAST . I DO NOT LET MY FAMILY
MEMBERS ROOL OVER EVERY THING . IF YOU DO THAT YOU DON'T
REALY WANT ANY ONE IN YOUR LIFE . ME I LIKE TO GIVE MY MATE
A DOZEN RED ROSSES FOR NO REASON AT ALL . I DONT GIVE THEM
TO HIDE SOME THING . I GIVE THEM TO HER FOR REAL LOVE . THAT
IS HOWA PERSON SHOULD BE . NEVER LET A FAMILY MEMBER ROOL .
I ALSO LIKE TO TAKE HER OUT TO DINNER OR JUST CUDDLE UP .
WEALTH WILL NEVER BY HAPPINES . REAL LOVE COMES FROM THE
HEART AND NOT THE WALLET . I WILL NOT GO TO OTHER SIGHTS TO
GET INFORMATION ON YOU . I ALWAYS HAVE TO PAY A FEE TO GET
IN THERE . YOU MUST SEND ME YOUR AGE AND INFORMATION ON
YOUR SELF . IF YOU DONT THEN YOUR NOT HONEST . IV FOUND OUT
THAT FROM JUST ABOUT EVERY ONE ON THIS SIGHT .

I LOVE TO WATCH THE GAITHERS ON TV AND EVEN GO TO THERE
APERIENCE . I LIKE GOING TO CHURCH AND GOING OUT TO FISH
OR CAMPING . I CAN'T HARDLY DO THAT ANY MORE . I DO NOT
BELIEVE IN ANY KIND OF ABUSE . NO ONE HAS ANY RIGHT TO RAISE
THERE HAND TO ANY ONE .

IM 67 YEARS OLD AND I DO NOT DRINK OR SMOKE . I WEIGH 160 LB
IM WHITE AND IV BEEN A MECHANIK FOR OVER 50 YEARS . I ALSO
STAND 5FT 6 INCH TALL WITH A FULL HEAD OF HAIR . I LIKE
TO TREET PEOPLE LIKE I WANT TO BE TREETED . SO IF YOU ARE
ENTERESTED THEN RIGHT ME . BUT IF YOU CAN'T TELL THE TRUTH
THEN DON'T RIGHT ME . I WILOL NOT CONDONE ANY SCAMMERS .
WHEN YOU THINK SOME ONE DON'T SEE IT THINK AGAIN . I ALSO
HAVE TWO COLLEAGE DAGREES . NO ONE IS PERFECT . ONLY GOD
I WILL SEND YOU A PITCHER IF YOU SEND ME SOME .
AND JESUS IS . WE ALL MAKE MISTACKS .


So, let me get this straight....you have TWO college degrees, but you can't spell 'degree' or 'college' or 'treat' or even 'picture' correctly?

BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!

Really? You REALLY thought that you would be able to pull that off? That's hilarious.

Here's a hint to all you men who make things up to put on their dating ad profile: if you're going to lie, at least make it a believable lie. Don't come out with something so totally and utterly outrageous that it's obviously a lie. Women don't like that.

'2 dagrees', indeed.

Country Carl Cures The Blues

From CL (my commentary is in italics):

Wanting a cure for the New Depression Blues?Try out Country Carl

WOMEN I have been through - You can google me up
under COUNTRY CARL or go to CountryCarl dot Com
to see more Photos

Women he's "been through"? WTF is that all about? Is he bragging about it? Because it sure sounds like bragging to me....

You can also use the E-mail address on the Web Sites
ALWAYS SEND a PHOTO for sure... I'm not BLIND

Why the random uppercase words and letters? Whoop de fucking doo, he's got a website - as he's mentioned twice, already.

1) No dunken melancholy drama queens who go to court

What is 'dunken' when it's at home? Go to court about what, exactly? Murder? Speeding tickets? As a witness for the prosecution? How about on jury duty? Is he prejudiced against people doing their civic duty?

2) No sleepless druggies who's friends never leave

3) No more than a small car load of kids

Define 'small' car load, please. A smart car? Mini Cooper? Hyundai Accent? I can fit 5 people in my Accent, but only 2 in a smart car. That's quite a big difference.

4) No wrecking my car or giant mystery dents

How did we jump from looking for a woman to date to her taking his car and wrecking it?

5) No hammering my credit cards

If he's dumb enough to give random women he picks up on CraigsList his credit cards (or car), then he gets what he deserves, I think.

6) No pets that won't be friends

Because we can all predict who our dogs and cats will like ahead of time.

7) No partying while I sleep

So we can't have lives of our own and have to get things pre-approved by him?

8) No chain smokers unless you have a humongous fan

9) No collect calls

Aww, really? Not even from the courts we have to go to? How about when we're partying whilst he's sleeping?

10) NO YOU can't go ON The ROAD

Hey, we all know that what happens ON The Road stays ON The Road, right?

YES I'm a singer/songwriter and you don't have to
love my music but it is really a good idea to know some of the lyrics
and the names of the songs.

Apparently Country Carl does not want a woman, he wants a fan. He wants someone who is so awed by his talent that she will do what he says, when he says it. He wants someone who will sit at home (so she doesn't have to make collect calls from court), go nowhere (so she won't have to drive his car), and do nothing (so she won't run up his credit card accounts or party whilst he sleeps) except listen to his songs (so she'll know the names of them and some of the lyrics, too). He, on the other hand, will be ON The ROAD doing whatever it is that wannabe musicians who think they're hawt shit because they paid $9.99 for a website on GoDaddy dot com and also paid to be in a recording studio do when they're ON The ROAD.

PHOTO BELOW IS NOT ON MY WEB SITES




He claims to be 45. If he's 45, then I'm a monkey's uncle.

I think that Country Carl is bigger in his own mind than he really is....

Breast is best

These two ads are from different parts of the US. Apparently it's a common theme. *gag* Ew.

Milking Mothers let me help you relieve that Stress

Hello, are you a mom who is making too much milk? I know it can be very painful if it’s not released. I would love to assist you in that process. I’ve had a fetish for breast milk for a long time. Looking to help a lactating mother out. This can be strickly a relief thing and nothing more. Or if your interested in persuing a more romantic and naughty arrangement that is acceptible too. Ultimately seeking to help you relieve your stress and have some fun in the process. I’m a 39 year old male. Very safe, clean and DISCREET! If you could use the help and looking for someone who would relish the opportunity to assist you then drop me a line. Have a great day

ARE YOU PREGNANT? LACTATING? NEED HELP ? -

Maybe we can help each other? Bills?

I am a very discreet professional gentleman and I am looking for a woman that has milky breasts and will allow me to suckle those breasts. I want the experience at least once in my life. I want to know what it tastes like. Is it sweet, tart, salty, etc? What is the consistency? I would be happy to pay for the milk if it will help you. If you would like more than me sucking your breasts then maybe we can help each other. Not far from Portland, Augusta, Freeport, Brunswick, Lewiston, Auburn, Lisbon .......... TELL ME HOW I CAN HELP YOU


Silly men. Don't they know that boob juice is for BABIES?!?!

MICK! Again.

My pal Mick is back again. Apparently his last ad was not successful (I can't imagine why) so he posted this today:

MICHAEL HI LIKE TO FINE A LOVER,A FRIEND, WHO LIKES LOVING ARMS AROUND HER DAY AND NIGHT TO,AND A GIRL WHO LOVES TO BE IN LOVE WITH HER MAN FOR ALL TIMES,I AM HONEST,CARING 6'1 TALL 174LBS VERY FIT AS YOU LOOK AT MY BODY PICTURES YOU SEE THAT IS TRUE!! AND I LOVE TO MAKE A GIRL A SEXY WOMAN HOT ALL NIGHT LONG IN BED OF WET AND HOT SHEETS AS WE LAY WITH ONE BODY SO IN LOVE YOU AND ME! I LOVE TO FINE A GIRL A SEX WOMAN WHO ALL WAYS WANTS MORE! FROM HER MAN WITH GOOD HEART FOR A GUY TO TAKE CARE OF HER IN LOVING ARMS AND LIKE A PRINCESS IN MY ARMS AROUND HER, I DON'T DRINK OR SMOKE SO I HOPE YOU DONT TOO!!! A GIRL WITH LOVING HEART AND SOUL TO LOVE THIS MAN FOR ALL TIMES WITH LOVE WALKS IN HAND IN HAND ON A MOONLIGHT NIGHT WITH JUST YOU AND ME,AND A WOMAN MADE FOR A GUY WITH LOVE JUST A GIRL EYES TO SEE ME AS HER PRINCE TO,A LADY, WITH LOVE IN HER EYES FOR ONLY ME. MLGUNTER/A/TCHARTER.NET MICK! WRITE ME SOON AS TIME WITHOUT LOVE IN THIS WORLD IT'S SO SAD TO DO IT ALONE AND IT SO CRUL TO AS LOVE JUST FADES AWAY IN US TO, AS I KNOW JUST DON'T WANT TO DO IT ALONE YOU KNOW ANY WAY [ HEY WITH OUT LOVE THERE WITH ME HOLDING YOU WELL [ IT'S SO CRUL TO BE ALONE WITHOUT YOU. MICK


There were photos again, but they were the same as before so I'm not gonna repeat post them.

I actually emailed this guy and offered to edit his ad or rewrite it for him for free. I explained that because CL is a text based forum, posting an ad that is poorly spelled and punctuated is akin to showing up for a first date with raging halitosis, unbrushed hair and wearing filthy sweatpants.

He didn't respond.

More gril madness.

Again from Craigslist:

grils wanted - 29, Wasilla

Hows it going im 6ft 230 brown hair and eyez im looking 4 a woman that is not the jelis type that is not afrade to dress sexy im 29 so id like my gril 2 b 29 or younger send me a pic we can have a drink and c what happends


Call me wicked, but I couldn't resist responding to his ad. I sent him an email:

I'm having trouble understanding your ad. You said you're looking for grils, but you've posted in the 'men for women' personals section. Grils are usually found in the household or outdoors sections. Are you looking for gas, or charcoal grils?

Also, what is 'jelis', and why do you want a gril to be dressed sexy? Grils don't wear clothes, they'd catch on fire.

I hope you can clear up my confusion.


If I get a response I'll be sure to post it.

Wait, you want me to clean it, too?

From the local classified ads:

For Sale. Big, black, Weber Charcoal grill. Has all parts. Would need to clean grill.


Nice.