Thursday, July 2, 2009

Country Carl Cures The Blues

From CL (my commentary is in italics):

Wanting a cure for the New Depression Blues?Try out Country Carl

WOMEN I have been through - You can google me up
under COUNTRY CARL or go to CountryCarl dot Com
to see more Photos

Women he's "been through"? WTF is that all about? Is he bragging about it? Because it sure sounds like bragging to me....

You can also use the E-mail address on the Web Sites
ALWAYS SEND a PHOTO for sure... I'm not BLIND

Why the random uppercase words and letters? Whoop de fucking doo, he's got a website - as he's mentioned twice, already.

1) No dunken melancholy drama queens who go to court

What is 'dunken' when it's at home? Go to court about what, exactly? Murder? Speeding tickets? As a witness for the prosecution? How about on jury duty? Is he prejudiced against people doing their civic duty?

2) No sleepless druggies who's friends never leave

3) No more than a small car load of kids

Define 'small' car load, please. A smart car? Mini Cooper? Hyundai Accent? I can fit 5 people in my Accent, but only 2 in a smart car. That's quite a big difference.

4) No wrecking my car or giant mystery dents

How did we jump from looking for a woman to date to her taking his car and wrecking it?

5) No hammering my credit cards

If he's dumb enough to give random women he picks up on CraigsList his credit cards (or car), then he gets what he deserves, I think.

6) No pets that won't be friends

Because we can all predict who our dogs and cats will like ahead of time.

7) No partying while I sleep

So we can't have lives of our own and have to get things pre-approved by him?

8) No chain smokers unless you have a humongous fan

9) No collect calls

Aww, really? Not even from the courts we have to go to? How about when we're partying whilst he's sleeping?

10) NO YOU can't go ON The ROAD

Hey, we all know that what happens ON The Road stays ON The Road, right?

YES I'm a singer/songwriter and you don't have to
love my music but it is really a good idea to know some of the lyrics
and the names of the songs.

Apparently Country Carl does not want a woman, he wants a fan. He wants someone who is so awed by his talent that she will do what he says, when he says it. He wants someone who will sit at home (so she doesn't have to make collect calls from court), go nowhere (so she won't have to drive his car), and do nothing (so she won't run up his credit card accounts or party whilst he sleeps) except listen to his songs (so she'll know the names of them and some of the lyrics, too). He, on the other hand, will be ON The ROAD doing whatever it is that wannabe musicians who think they're hawt shit because they paid $9.99 for a website on GoDaddy dot com and also paid to be in a recording studio do when they're ON The ROAD.


He claims to be 45. If he's 45, then I'm a monkey's uncle.

I think that Country Carl is bigger in his own mind than he really is....